Just give me a day…

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I wrote this on my very first site, Glazed Hamm, years ago. It was written during one of the few times I hit those places I dared not to go and avoided at all costs. But they were necessary stopping points on my journey because they aided in my growth.

One cannot truly be happy if they don’t understand sadness, if they don’t confront their feelings willingly and openly. I didn’t like to do that. Ever. I still don’t. But the difference between now and then is that I know that I have to, or it’ll eat me up and I’ll be good to no one.

Although I wrote this a few years ago, it still rings true today. I feel as though I’m not allowed to say, “Autism hurts.” It hurts me that my children are special needs. It saddens me. It just does.

It doesn’t change my love for them. I still love them more than life. I just can’t deny all of my feelings. I feel great love, adoration, and affection for my children. My heart swells with simply thinking about how much I love them. But to think about their having autism and their futures, rips at my heart that is overflowing with love for them.

We are often made to feel as though we cannot have these feelings because it means we simply do not love our children enough. This simply isn’t true. You’re entitled to every feeling you have. They’re yours. You own them. You don’t let them define who you are, but you’re damn sure allowed to have them.

Before I get into the piece, let me let you in on something: those who put you down for your feelings will never have the bond you have with your children, regardless of whether they share your child’s diagnosis. You are mom. Or you are dad. Your child will never know a greater love than yours. Don’t ever let a stranger make you feel inadequate as a parent. Your child won’t ever want or love them. They’ll always want and love you.

Just give me a day…

where I don’t feel bad about hating your cutesy poems about how Autism has made your child unique and special.

A day where I can scream f*ck you to your declarations about how it’s made you a more patient parent, and enhanced your life in every way.

A day to scoff at your “Autism has it’s challenges, but I wouldn’t change him for the world” memes.

A day so I can feel it’s okay to cry about how hard it is.

A day to think about how Autism makes me feel without any of the “put yourself in their shoes” speeches.

Just give me a day…

to not think about my child’s feelings, what he’s going through.  I don’t want to.

I need a day to think about how Autism makes ME feel.

I need a day to acknowledge that I actually have feelings.

I need a day to not concern myself with your claims of selfishness for caring about me.

A day to be upset my child has Autism.

Time to not think poorly of myself for succumbing to your proclamations of disservice to my child for not loving all that he is, as he is.

A day to realize I have a right to my feelings.

A day to rebuke the notion that simply because we all have struggles and challenges that that equates to sameness.  It doesn’t.

A day to realize what I already know, but stuff deep down, and that is that there are levels to Autism and that my son has it worse than many, and many have it worse than him.  It just is what it is. and that’s ok, but it must be acknowledged. 

A day to speak my truth into existence, if only for a day.

Autism is hard for me.

I’m surrounded by people, yet alone.

I’m filled with emotions I can’t even feel because they’re not considered appropriate to do so.

The pressure of Autism weighs on me constantly, give me a day to let it crush me.  I would rather pick up the pieces later, keep what I need, discard what I don’t, than continue to carry a load my spirit is too weak to handle.

Just give me a day…

to feel it all.

To grieve.

To mourn.

I need to feel it all.

I need to cry.

Just give me a day…

to not be strong.

I need a day to hurt.

Autism can hurt. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. 

Just give me a day…

to say that Autism hurts.

I’ll be better in the tomorrow.

XOXO

Tiffy

One Reply to “Just give me a day…”

  1. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was
    curious what all is needed to get setup? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would
    cost a pretty penny? I’m not very web savvy so I’m not 100% positive.
    Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Thank you

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