My Dark Passenger

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Depression…

the great imitator

the finest actor there is

the Oscar goes to…

it looks like sadness

but it latches onto me

burrowing a hole into my consciousness

invading my thoughts

it overwhelms me

I am no longer in control

the good, I no longer see

depression brings along hopelessness

nothing feels the same

minor inconveniences are now hurdles I can’t get across

I’m in a mind hole

I can see the light, but I just don’t have it in me to climb out

or even try

I don’t even know if I should

Depression is the great imitator

she can look like happiness

I laugh at your jokes

I make my own

I sing your songs

I come to your parties

but there’s pain beneath the surface

a burning desire to return home

to bed

to sleep it away

maybe she’ll stay away

I don’t feel as hopeless in a slumber

I shouldn’t be alone

but she makes me feel like I need to be alone

Depression is selfish like that

She wants me all to herself

I can’t do what I love

do I even really love it

if I can’t bring myself to do it

depression makes you doubt yourself

am I even worth the life I’ve been given

seems like a waste

she’s strong, depression

her grip tight

suffocating

drowning

depression eats me up

swallows me whole

night after night…

her grasp loosens at daybreak

that’s when I put on my mask

a face that resembles nothing I feel

my mouth speaking words that aren’t my truth

“I’m fine”

I lie all the time

but I’m good at it

depression is everywhere

but it looks like sadness

because we don’t allow her to show her true self

the monster

we cover for her

depression can look like anything other than what it is

depression is

fear

anxiety

hopelessness

worthlessness

sadness

pain…

hiding behind

“I’m okay”

hiding

tears, we hide

hurt, we hide

pain, we hide

sadness, we hide

anger

frustration

fear…

we hide

depression is an imposter

actor

master of disguise

and a thief

stealing joy

corrupting thoughts

taking lives

it’s narcissistic in nature

she doesn’t care how I feel

I feel how she wants me to feel

depression ignores my cries

laughs as I break…down

sometimes I can escape with a bit of sleep

but eventually she’ll visit my dreams

I can sometimes put her off during the day

but night always comes

and she shines bright in the dark

depression wants me alone

so she can take hold

though I don’t need to be physically alone

our minds are always…

party of one

I belong to depression

depression belongs to me

but I fight her

every single day

I fight

I fight this dark passenger

You are not alone.

I wrote this in the moment, in about 10 minutes.  It’s not a regular poem for me.  I don’t even know if I would classify it as such.  It’s just my soul in written form.  I felt that I needed to share how depression has it’s hold on me.  I have been battling depression since I was a teenager.  Sometimes with medication, sometimes with therapy, and sometimes a combination of both.  It runs in my family, much like many others who are in this fight for their lives. 

Depression is a complex mental disorder that can affect our moods and manifest itself physically and mentally.  It doesn’t just stay within us, it pushes its way outward, affecting our livelihoods and our relationships.  It’s deeper than the normal sadness we all experience from time to time.  It’s a persistent and overwhelming.  Affecting every part of our lives.

I wrote this because I know that it often appears that I have it together, I don’t.  I want others to know that they are not alone.  We are in this fight together and I know it doesn’t appear that it will get better.  It can.  If you just reach out for help.  Depression affects so many of us, it’s more common than many think.  But it’s written off as sadness or something that a person can just “get over”.  We need to educate the public on what depression really is, what it looks like, how it presents, and what they can do to help those in a crisis.  Those battling depression can’t often do it alone.  Alone is where the demons dwell. 

If you are battling depression and you are not yet actively getting help, please do so.

Resources for those battling depression:

https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/help-for-depression#first-line-of-treatment

If you have a loved one battling depression, please be understanding.  There are some resources out there on what you can do to help someone with depression.  You can save a life.

Resources for loved ones:

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

3 Replies to “My Dark Passenger”

  1. Lumen was determined to kill the men responsible for raping her but, because of her inexperience and mistakes, she sought Dexter’s assistance. At first, he tried to dissuade her. However, by Dexter’s standards, these men deserved to die, so he eventually agreed to help her. They formed a partnership and took them out one by one, with Lumen herself killing two of them. After she watched Dexter set up a kill room, she realized that he had killed many times before. Instead of this fact frightening her, she started to rely on him even more. Their friendship grew stronger and, after she killed Alex Tilden, Lumen initiated an intimate relationship with Dexter. When they killed the last member and leader of Barrel Girl Gang, Lumen’s darkness suddenly disappeared. Unlike herself, she knew that Dexter could not stop killing. To Dexter’s dismay, Lumen then left him to return to her previous life.

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